The Lost Art of Apology

Hello there!

I just realized it has been over a year since my last post here -- YIKES!  Writing is cathartic for me, so I should aspire to post here more.
  
It has been, as most years, a period of ups and downs.  It feels like mostly downs, though, especially recently.  

Phantom

At the end of March, I made a late-night trip to the emergency vet with Phantom, and he didn't come home. 💔  Vet suspected sepsis or cancer.  I wish I'd asked for a necropsy, but in the emotion of the moment -- the shock that Phantom was gone -- it did not occur to me.  

Spirit (photo by Phyllis Ensley Photography)

In mid April, I made the decision to take Spirit for her final vet visit.  I had so hoped she would make it to her 15th birthday, but just over a month was too long to make her wait for some human-observed anniversary.  When I came home from work that day, she seemed a little brighter as she got up to come greet me, and I thought, "maybe not today."  Then she laid back down and looked at me, and I felt her telling me, "I'm tired."  I knew I couldn't delay the decision.  Two dogs away to The Rainbow Bridge in twenty days. 💔

Between those two heartbreaks, I suffered a human-delivered heartbreak, the event that triggered the writing of this blog post.

How many times have you had your feelings hurt?  Many, I would venture to guess.  How many times have you been apologized to?  Did you then forgive the person and move on?  Or was it "too little, too late" and your friendship severed beyond repair?  

How many times have you not received an apology at all?  What did you do?  Forgive anyway, or "No Way!"?

As much as I often say, "I hate people," I would never -- EVER -- intentionally hurt another person.  And if I knew that I had unintentionally hurt someone, I hope I'm a good enough person to say, "I'm sorry that I hurt you."

I admit it:  I'm a Caspar Milquetoast.  I let myself get walked all over, again and again.  Because I despise and fear conflict, I never tell people when they have hurt my feelings. The pain rides around in my soul, and I usually distance myself from the person for a while.  

The self-examination that comes with this writing also leads me to the conclusion that part of the reason I don't tell someone when they've hurt my feelings is that I am trying to spare their feelings; if they don't realize what they've done, opening the issue might hurt them.  

Eventually, I realize that they have no idea what they have done -- that it is my problem, not theirs -- and I forgive them and myself.  

The above scenario has happened numerous times with one particular friend.  Thinking that I knew her well enough, I thought "surely she didn't mean it that way," and I let it go.  Over and over.  You'd think I'd learn, right?  Nope, not ol' Caspar here.  

Then, in early April, she hurt me more than I thought I could be hurt.  Someone can say that I'm ugly or fat, and though I might be stung, I can usually laugh it off.  But the insult she delivered to me will echo in my mind forever.  Though I won't post her words here, I will say that it involved my dogs.  

Surprisingly (or maybe not), I did not hear from her right afterward... I thought she would call or e-mail an apology, ask if I was okay...  Certainly she saw me sobbing as I walked to my car?  

Obviously not, as the next time I saw her, she greeted me like nothing had ever happened.  She was spared my scathing reply because there was a mutual friend present, whom I didn't want to put in the middle of it.  (Yeah, yeah, I know.  Sigh.)

Finally I decided that I would not repeat my past mistakes.  This time I would get it all out in the open, and I sent her a message outlining exactly how I felt. ... 

...

...

Crickets.

...

...

I suppose at this point I will never receive an apology.  I'm not asking her to say that her opinion is wrong; all I wanted was an acknowledgement that her words deeply hurt me.  I also suppose that it doesn't matter; our friendship has been irreparably severed.  

More self-examination makes me wonder if I apologize enough.  If I make a mistake at work, I apologize and then fix it if possible.  When someone points out that I have hurt them, I feel terrible about it, and I sincerely apologize.  

I think apology is becoming a lost art... like common sense and common courtesy.  How do you handle it when you feel you are owed an apology that doesn't come?  Do you personally apologize when asked?  Do you apologize even if you are not asked?  

Could I or should I do more?  I don't know.

Do I want to know?  I'm not sure about that.  I think I want to be told if I need to apologize.  Sometimes, though, it's true that ignorance is bliss.  

In any case, I thank God for all of my wonderful dogs who help me dry the tears they don't understand.  Dogs, unlike we humans, have nothing to apologize for.

Cherish your dogs,
MDW

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Stay tuned... I'm already working on another new post.  I promise it will be more upbeat and dogcentric ;-)

               Spirit, approx. 2 yrs. old

Puppy Phantom